so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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