i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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