I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
