Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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