I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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