the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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