Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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