I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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