Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
