Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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