ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
