Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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