i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
