i permit you to call me
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
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I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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