She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
