i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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