??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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