just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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