my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
