Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
