She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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