I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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