I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
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We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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