I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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