he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
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oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
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I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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