Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
