my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
