We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
