It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
