She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
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Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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