when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
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i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
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I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.