I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?