it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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