Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
