sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
