Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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