Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
