Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just threw up on my dentist
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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