The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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