True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
