one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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