I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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