i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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