Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
