last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
