life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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