I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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