when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
