...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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