mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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