I think my fart just growled at me.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Randomize
