so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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