at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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