I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
